Grrr! Why Spare him!?

*DISCLAIMER* There is a difference between thoughts, feelings and actions. The contents of this post are my thoughts and feelings. As you explore this rant, please note that I am not capable of any of this!

It has been over two years since my children and I left our home of pain, deceit and abuse. Still, I learn of secrets that were kept, most likely for fear of not being believed, or for fear of what could happen if the secrets got out.

Right now, my muscles are tense with anger, my tears as fresh as the day it all came out, and my thoughts of a bloody battle bringing him to his demise are all brand new.

HOW? How does one work so hard to manipulate others? How does one hide this pain for years and years? How? How? How?

The sad truth is that this crap is generational. I too hid behind a masquerade of normalcy, I too kept secrets for years upon years. I continued this in a desperate need to feel loved by a man, any man. My boundaries always shifting to meet his idea of the perfect woman my insecurities and my worthlessness have been passed down via his (whichever “his” you choose) manipulation of me … putting every single one of my children at risk.

Yes, I can’t deny that he made the decisions to harm the innocent, but I made the choice to accept the guise of love because it was all that I was worthy of.

I’m done! This is me! Take me or leave me as I am. I will never allow any more or any less than who I am. I am good enough. I deserve the best that I can achieve on my own. My kids do as well.

I screwed up, it’s a mental screwing daily, but we will survive, because we are better than the mind games that others have played.



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