I’m Losing my Grip on Life

Making decisions that you think will better your life is probably the most difficult task of free will. Lately I’ve been trying to align my life’s goals and ambitions with my priorities, but it seems like I’m making bad choices.

These choices are not devastating, but they are overwhelming just the same. Some of them are simply me grasping at what I think is best and really setting myself up to fail. When I do fail I feel like I’ve let my children and God down.

I have this thing with my children, I raised them with this: “Do your personal best, not everyone else’s.” To me this consists of being true to yourself … being honest with yourself. Yet, I don’t feel like I’m heeding those words. I’m just grasping for the baton, running without looking, and dropping the ball all at once.

I’ve come to some truly insightful conclusions about my life, the path I’m on, and the places I’m going. I know that I deserve a lot of things in life; love, respect, honesty, and encouragement. I’m getting this from some people, but I struggle to pay back that which has been gifted to me. Of course, I can offer as much as humanly possible, but in the end it seems like few people are in my life as true friends. Most people want to know what I can do for them. The answer right now is nothing. I am so burnt out with exhaustion and failure that I no longer have energy to give others the precious gifts that I’ve been given.

Lately I’ve been seeing God’s hand in much of my life, just a day and a half ago I felt true peace at the way things were going. I was astonished as I watched things fall into place, it was as if someone put in a special request to Heaven to watch over my family and me. Now, I feel like Satan is working really hard to destroy the very decisions that have the potential to help me keep my grip on life.

Things will be changing for me over the next few months, and I’m half tempted to strip myself clean of those that will suddenly have time for me when things are going well. Some think I’m just in this life to “drag others down to my level.” The truth is that I’m human, some days, hidden behind my smiling face is pain and turmoil. When I reach out for some sort of support or encouragement I’m not reaching out to drag anyone down, I’m just grasping for some sort of logic to my situation, an unbiased third party viewpoint of what I’m doing and where I’m going.

The reality is that I can’t always be strong … some days I need to cry, I need to vent, and I need to feel like someone cares enough to give me constructive critisism. Sometimes that might mean some more pain will be headed my way, but without that pain I don’t see how I can find the positives in others.

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Destined for Greatness

What if I told you that each of us is born destined for some sort of greatness? That God created YOU to be an amazing individual, but from the moment that you were born your environment has catapulted trauma onto you, thus resulting in your lack of luster?

I’m asking you to consider the above, I’m not trying to shove my beliefs on you, I’m just asking you to consider it as you read this post.

In my last post I briefly discussed the death of my brother over eight years before my birth. I also discussed how my siblings often consider me lucky, because I didn’t have to try to survive during the horrific time in the lives of my parents and family. Or, did I? Did I in some way endure the consequences poured upon their souls by society?

Some will have an easier time imagining this than others, but for a moment … imagine that you have had to bury a child, specifically an infant; imagine the torture, pain, and questioning your faith in God.

Now, you find out that you are going to have another child. What if this one passes away? What if there is another investigation? Or if the children are removed out of fear that I’m not a good parent? What if … a million other things run through your mind?

In the midst of all of the chaos your father says, “You’re pregnant.”

You respond with, “Oh, Dad, I am not.”

“Don’t tell me, I know when one of my girls is expecting!”

With in a couple of weeks of this conversation your dad, your hero, passes away. You grieve, you deny, you hide and five months in you find out that Dad was right, you are pregnant. Three months later the baby is born a full month early.

Every stressor that you endure during this time is flooding your infant with cortisol, a hormone released by the adrenal gland during times of stress. Stress, upon stress, and yup, more stress, and your baby is fighting this intense hormone that is being directed right to him or her.

The child’s environment is already changing the child before birth, the infant is ultimately fighting a war in utero. The destiny for greatness suffers, the child is born not knowing who s/he is, just a baby, already tainted by society.

I hope that you were born to achieve greatness, but the truth is … I was not. If you were, you have a fighting chance to find you, your true destiny, yourself. However, there are many just like me, born lost and fighting a war that no one knows about, we can reach greatness, we just have to put up a bigger fight.

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Unblaming My Parents

October 16, 1965, a day that forever altered the progression and growth of my life.

How can that be when I wasn’t born until December 8, 1973?

I always thought that I was spared the pain of my brother’s passing, by being born many years after his death in infancy, but was I!?

Trauma has followed me through out my life, and when I told my parents in a desperate attempt to get help I was told things like, “Well, if you wouldn’t dress like that …” “Don’t tell anyone.” Or even just the silent treatment. One thing was clear, police and investigators had no place in our lives.

I learned to sit down, shut up, and take the blame. For a short time I was very angry that my parents were unable to be more supportive and less blaming in these matters, but today I had an epiphany.

When my infant brother passed away the media found them guilty almost before they were even questioned, and the inquest must have been horrific to endure. Everyone was pointing fingers, all but one detective that took the time to not only hear my parents, but to fight for them. One person out of all of those that were involved in the case, the odds were clearly stacked against my parents. God willing, they survived the tension of that chaos and moved forward to not only raise three older children, but to have two more.

Now there’s me … repeatedly raped … but the odds are stacked against my family, so I go to no one, it’s a risk too great to endure.

I acted out in ways that made me pure hell to raise, when life got to be too much I even tried overdosing … having your stomach pumped is not for the weak. I ran from my problems, leaping from a cliff with no parachute into a valley of lava.

I tried everything I could to be the better person, to be stronger and more resilient than I was raised to be. With each passing trauma I realized a tiny bit more that my reaction is my choice, not that of my parents.

My parents must have been really scared during the loss and investigation into their son’s death … sort of like me … deep in the brush of the old race track during the state fair. No one to turn to, no one to help, no one to guide me … No one, but God, and I missed it. I was so busy blaming my parents that I forgot about the faith I’d been raised in, besides, God didn’t want a dirty hoe like me in His house!

Today was different though, today I was driving past a location where I had once been severely beaten by an ex-husband, and I experienced a flash back. I had one of my children in the car with me … and I realized I had to keep myself together, or risk freaking her out. I can’t blame my parents anymore, they are both deceased and can’t fight back, I can’t blame my ex, because if I got that close I can’t be responsible for my reaction. The only person to blame for how I handle this situation is me, and this time I turned to the faith I’d been raised in and somehow I just knew, it’s not what happens to me, but how I react … I own that, so I am unblaming my parents for lifes traumas.