Everyone has those days that make it difficult to get out of bed. I was feeling like this today and decided to take a few minutes to do some soul searching. What I found made me angry.
I feel like I am broken. My heart, my soul, my laughter; all of these are broken. I’m trying so hard to accomplish so many things at once that all I’m really doing is digging for gold in a beach full of quick sand.
No word on an apartment yet, still waiting for some paperwork. Dollars are few and far between, and most are in kind donations that go immediately into my gas tank. Which, brings me to another point … yesterday I wasted a half tank of gas because someone received a phone call confirming an appointment and didn’t bother to let me know. Since the appointment wasn’t confirmed the office had to cancel it and can’t get us in again until June 3!!! We’ve already been waiting since December.
I sort of wish that I had some gorilla glue to stick all of my pieces back together so I could replace this broken feeling with a few chips and cracks, but again, no money for the glue.
Maybe a hug would work, a hug that could be tight enough to stick all of my broken pieces back together. Even that is out of reach, because I rarely see people that I know since I’m in the car up to 400 miles a day.
I guess this is the point that I admit that I’m 42 years old and still need my Mommy. Maybe, if I pray hard enough, Heaven will take my call, but even miracles like that don’t happen without enduring severe trauma.
Today, I just want to feel what I’m feeling, broken. I want to simmer in it, not to feel pity, but to understand what has brought me to this point so that I can fix it on my own. No heros, no knights (or knightettes) in shining armour. Just me, myself, and God putting everything in place, bringing the puzzle back together so that I don’t have to feel so broken.