In talking with someone about the extreme expenses added since the awareness of my family’s circumstances I learned of a program meant for people in our situation. Yes, there are others that have been, are, and will be in our situation. The person, meaning no harm, handed me a pamphlet, “Crime Victim’s Compensation.” For some reason my heart wanted to stop beating for just a moment.
To begin with, I prefer the word survivor over victim, but that’s not all. The wording on the front of the pamphlet left me reeling in anger, disgust, betrayal, sadness, grief, and an entire host of other emotions. A crime has been committed, and it is up to us to survive this insanity.
The reality of our circumstances tears at my heart and devours my soul. For some, our pain is evident, the financial strain is incomprehensible, but the emotional strain, though less visible, is far more devastating. Sleepless nights, tears shed into a pillow, not even our pillows, but pillows donated by a community that faces these situations daily.
As a mom, the tasks seem pretty clear; feed, clothe, empower my children. Yet, as a mom of some amazing survivors the tasks are a bit foggier. Where do I begin? Am I allowed to mourn the loss of life as we thought it was? How do I keep my crap together so that I am not impacting the pain of my children further? Since trust is earned, and it costs a lot more to earn that from us, now; how do we cope? Blame, oh my gosh, the blame … how do I help my family direct that to the one that needs it, rather than upon themselves?
I imagine that an outsider might have the answers to these questions, but when living the situation daily it becomes tough, trying to keep it all together. Tonight I allowed myself to feel the full impact of our current circumstances and the decisions that I have been forced to make. I would not change my reactions for anything, but allowing the tears to flow unchecked has allowed me to clear my head and pull myself together.
As a mom, I’m not perfect, but I damn sure am helping my children develop their coping skills as we traverse the path that someone else has chosen for us!