To the End of Time

It’s a strange feeling, to have exchanged vows to love each other to the end of time, and to lose it all in the blink of an eye.

I’m very concerned for my soon to be ex-husband, as he has become difficult to locate. Yet, there is so much anger about the betrayal that I find the concern being suffocated.

In a way, this isn’t really my story to tell, but the consequenses are so far reaching, and no one even knows who hasn’t step forward yet but still suffers the effects of our marriage gone wrong.

The only part of the story that is really totally and completely mine to tell is the fact that he was putting prescription medication in my presorted box so that I would be ingesting medication without knowledge or consent.

This has led me to question everything about my diagnosis of bipolar. I trusted him to help me heal from the symptoms of bipolar, and the entire time he was insuring that I was further medicated. These actions gave him ample time to hurt others in ways that are unspeakable.

Now, I’m a single mom, and I can’t trust anyone to spend time alone with my children. Yet, I’m still medicating a diagnosis that I no longer believe in. Why? Because it has been 12 to 14 years for most of these meds, and I fear far reaching consequences of withdrawal. My family doctor must somewhat agree, as he has referred me to a psychiatrist to see about weaning me off these medications. Interestingly enough, due to our current housing situation, or lack of, my blood sugar numbers are climbing. However, my doctor realizes that I have enough to deal with and has made the decision to wait another three months prior to making changes to lower my sugar numbers.

Now, I’m nursing a tension headache, as I plead with myself to get through this. Someone told me, “You have a strong mind, you can get through this.” Those words, so precious, yet an awakening that I am alone, and it is going to take every ounce of strength that God and I have to see my family to the other side of these horrific days.

Even so, I’m not much for backing down from a challenge, especially when the wellness of my children is at stake.

I guess, through all of this, I should feel rather jaded about humans. After all, the man to profess to love me forever has destroyed me and many that I love, but that’s just a small example of humanity.

Shortly after arriving at the shelter I counted change so that my daughter and I could get coffee and soda at McDonald’s. It was all that I had left, but we were thristy. As I pulled into drivethru, the person in front of me was taking forever, I even saw them gesture toward my vehicle and I began to feel a bit paranoid. Finally, they moved forward and I pulled up to pay, only to learn that the Sheriff’s Deputy in front of us paid for our order. I cried, how could he or she know our story? How could they know it was my last $4? How could they know that their simple act of kindness would restore faith to my daughter and I?

Friends, strangers, loved ones. So many of you are helping us out, maybe a few dollars, or more, toiletries, clothing, gas money. The list of individuals that are helping us grows daily, and we couldn’t be more appreciative for your help, love, kindness, and restoration of our faith in the world.

There really are some amazing people in this world, and most of them are on my family and friends list. I am truly humbled by the assistance that we are receiving, and sometimes it isn’t about the things that we can’t afford, but about the hugs and love, free to give, free to own, and very special.

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