Who’s expecting a gift for Valentines Day??? Not me, just, no.
I said this just the other night and my husband’s eyes quickly dropped to his feet. After all, we celebrate this day of love with those we love, and I’m not on his list any more.
As I recognize this and come to terms with it I am learning that after all of these years I am finding the energy to grieve so much. Past relationships gone wrong, present relationship gone wrong, I’m grieving life in general.
I’m learning so much lately, like who I am and what I need. So many people in my past have come into my life thinking that they could fix me. When the efforts failed things got bad, usually with me walking away still searching for the authentic me.
Many years ago I was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and I was medicated and therapized (haha, a new word for the day). I wasn’t on the medication for long, but the therapy did seem to help me some. I say “some” because my insurance ran out about the time I began healing. At this time, a bad day of emotions consisted of me feeling the pain so bad that I would begin to puke, exorcist style, and was laid up for a day or two with severe headaches.
Moving forward, when I met my current husband I was in the midst of leaving a horrifically violent marriage, and I had a lot of emotions going on. His thought process was that anger or “acting out” was not normal, so he took me to the doctor. Here I was diagnosed with PMDD or Pre-Menstral Dysphoric Disorder. You can google that, or I can give you my husband’s definition: PMS times 1,000! Medication was tossed my way, but no therapy to help me deal with the emotions of recognizing or grieving a life gone way wrong.
As life moved on I was going to college part-time, trying to raise five children and work. The plans didn’t go so well, so when I felt angry I was thrown in a hospital and diagnosed with Bipolar, more meds and a touch of therapy. By this time it had been several years since I had violently puked or had any sort of stress pain.
Over time it has been a continuous sea of medications, therapy, work to stay in the present. Don’t feel this, don’t feel that … if you’re not happy then your not normal. Neither I or anyone else has given me permission to feel my feelings, the response for the past 15 years has been give her more pills.
That’s until now, I’m not stuffing any more, I’m done hiding my anger and frustration. I have every right to feel and express my emotions without adding more medication to block those feelings.
I am pissed that I am in another failed relationship. I’m scared to walk away, but I know that I deserve this peace, and as angry as I am at him, so does he. I’m done stuffing these emotions. If I want to be angry I hereby give myself permission to feel and act on those feelings.
So, when people around me are celebrating their romance and love, I’m going to celebrate, “No more stuffing the lies and emotions day!”