Alone in a World Full of People

I look around, at those in my life; sure, I have tons of friends on social media, my children are a huge part of my life, and that part rocks. However, when it comes right down to it I don’t really have anyone close by to listen, to lend a shoulder, etc. This leads me to wonder, what’s wrong with me? Am I really pushing everyone away? I have four siblings, for the most part only one interacts with me. My dad and I rarely talk because his hearing makes for difficulty conversing on the phone. Friends? They all live in far off lands, and then there’s me. Alone in some rural community, which I dearly love, but when push comes to shove, I need people right now, and I’ve got no one nearby.

People say I’m nice, caring, and all of those kind words, so I’m really confused. I texted one of my sister’s over a month ago and am still waiting for a response. The text? How are you? Yes, I’m sure I texted it to her, but have since learned of her distaste for me.

I suppose I should be in tears right now, sinking in an ocean of sadness. No, I’m lonely, and in some cases sad, but not sad because I’m lonely. I’m sad because I’m scared. I’m scared because I’ve got nothing and no one to help me out. No, not financially, or physically, just an emotional shoulder. My world is so chaotic right now and I’m uncertain where I stand or what to do. Often times, when I do share I hear a click of the tongue and a, “Good luck, girl.” I take that to mean, you’re on your own.

So alone, and I feel the need to grieve some of this, but I’m scared as hell that I may be burning the only bridge that I have.

Okay, straight up, I brought up divorce with my husband and told him that I want to be able to move back home (Pennsylvania) because I have no emotional support near me. I was in a matter of fact way informed that I will have to abide by Michigan’s 100 Mile Law if I leave him, or I can … leave the girls with him. WTH?

No matter where I turn, I’m alone. I wouldn’t leave my children … even if a gun were to my head, it’s just not happening. So, do I allow him to continue to tolerate my existence as I am dominated by him?

I’m sure that many will offer their opinion on my leaving such a nice guy, and they may be right, but I can’t give him what he wants, needs or deserves. And if you sat and listened to me for a spell you’d get that my last sentence is as true as it gets.

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