A Guide to becoming Unlovable

Life is full of choices, even at birth. We decide when we are hungry, tired, or need a diaper change. It is up to those around us to decide when to fulfill our needs. As we grow these things change, the decisions are still ours to make, but we get increasingly more power to fulfill the needs on our own.

As life progresses we develop a past or a personal history. As the past develops we make different decisions, based on the results that we have received. For instance, I have discovered that when my mind and emotions are in chaotic disarray my house becomes cluttered and messy, almost a direct reflection of what is going on in my mind. These are subconscious choices that I make, but choices just the same.

A couple of days ago I asked my husband to have a few minutes of private time for me, because I am so tired of trying to read his mind to figure out what is going on. We went outside and I straight up asked him, “Are you happy?”

His response was “Usually.”

“Are you happy with me?”

“Usually.”

“Are you happy with us?”

“Usually.”

“Are you happy right now?”

“No.”

“Why?” I asked, regretting the word as soon as it left my lips.

He looked at me and said, “Look at our house, it’s cluttered and chaotic. You were raised like that, so I try to respect that; to you that’s okay. When I was growing up, if our house was messy it was because Mom wasn’t doing what she was supposed to do.”

I should have grabbed onto the fact that it is all up to me, but I missed the opportunity, instead I said, “I can’t change how or where I was raised, but I can tell you that the state of our home is NOT okay. This is a reflection of what is going on in my mind. I don’t like it, but I don’t know where to begin.”

What I garnered from this brief communication is that I own it all! The chaos in my mind and home, the anger that he feels, the frustration that everyone feels. It’s all up to me, just like everything else that goes wrong, it’s my fault.

I’ve given it a couple of days and I have only reached one conclusion from all of this … I am no longer strong enough to hold the weight of every wrong in everyone’s life on my shoulders. I’m tired of being blamed, and I can’t take it any more!

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